A Big Sister

B"H,

Adored for Life

Dear Bailah,

Greetings to you and your husband.  Again, I extend my heartfelt thanks to you both for all the help you are giving Mom and Dad.  I am as grateful to you as I am sorry that being a cancer patient and living out of town have made me unable to help.  Thank you for your understanding and acceptance. 

You know, I believe that we are good sisters even if we are not busom buddies.  In the long run it gives Mom and Dad a broader spectrum of help and assistance than what they would have had were we alike in thought, manner, and deed.  Now, as they are preparing to move near me and my family, I want you to know and remember how much I love you.  You are and will always be my big sister.  I have adored you my entire life and will continue to adore you. 

You were a tough act to follow.  Always smarter, more wise in the world, more aware, more responsible, very hard working, and astonishingly beautiful.  I grew up in your shadow.  All through school I was called by your name just as often if not more so than I was called by my own.  Even the kids in my class wanted my help with you.  They wanted you to know them... they thought you so beautiful.  I was only good enough to be a bridge to you.  But I did not mind because I loved and adored you with all my might which is why it was always painful for me to be unwelcomed in your world. 

You have been so focused on down-sizing, fixing-up, and modifying our childhood home.  The double railings allow Dad to negotiate the stairs with greater safety.  The night lights and the barrier at the top of the stair-case keep him safer during those middle of the night bathroom visits.  The extra walkers give him more opportunity for support wherever he is in the house.  Mom is slowing down and getting tired but for the time she is managing to care for the love of her life in his elder years of need.

You are so keen on having them evaluated regularly so that their diminshing, declining, and disappearing skills are documented... to what purpose?  No one is asking the most important question... ARE THEY STILL THEMSELVES?  And the answer  to that is yes, a resounding yes.  They are both in character even if slower, harder of hearing, and more forgetful.  They are themselves, thank G-d, still themselves.  They deserve to live, to have a good life as they age.  How do we prevent these constant evaluations from humiliating them?  I know you love our parents.  I assume that as daughter on the premises you have hired these score keepers so that we do not miss an opportunity to help them.  I would like to believe that, but I am not certain if that is entirely true. 

You were very surprised, perhaps even shocked, when Mom and Dad mentioned the possibility of moving into assisted living near me. 

You even called me and accused me of knowing all about this and yet keeping it a secret from you.  Yes, of course, I knew.  They have been talking about moving close to me for over ten years.  Have you noticed where they still are?  They are still near you.  So, yes, I knew, but what was there to say?  Words are words, thoughts are thoughts, however actions speak the loudest.  I am sorry you expected more warning to come from me when there was nothing for me to say.  Does it make sense to you why they might want to be near me and my family?  Does it make sense to you that they might want to be near the only grandchildren?  Does it make sense to you that Dad might want to be able to attend shul to speak and hear the sounds of his upbringing in his elder years?  Do you understand that they stayed put for so long to be near YOU, their beloved first born, their smart and beautiful and adored miracle?  They are not abandoning you.  Neither did they abandon me when they stayed put. 

But, you do say that you want for them what they want for themselves.  And that is good. 

In my younger years, it never occurred to me that you could ever struggle.  Everything you touched, every path you travelled was graceful and successful.  Or, so it seemed to me, that pesky little sister who had to grow up to meet the world without the mentorship of my adored big sister.  The pain of going solo in the world was bitter.  I cried out for decades until the tears ran dry. 

Today I understand that you have struggled and suffered.  Today your fragility sits just below your prickly surface.  Now  I know that you could not manage the emotional fabric of your own life all these many years.  There was not enough room under your wings to contain you.  Embracing me was impossible. 

Is there a chance that we can become friends?  Is there a chance that someday you will accept my hospitality?  Is there a chance that you might offer me a place in your world? 

We are no longer children, now middle-aged ladies.  You were, are, and will always be my beloved and adored big sister.

No one knows what the next moment will bring.  PERHAPS WE SHALL KNOW MIRACLES. 

Love,

Anna