Pulse of Life

B"H, 

Miracles... 

We learned in the Vietnam War that an injured healthy, young man could have a hemoglobin level of three or four and still be asymptomatic as long as he was well hydrated.  And so, we understand how important water is to our functional selves.  But in another place, another time, and definitely other circumstances even a hemoglobin level of eight is not allowed.  For a woman with advanced breast cancer on the eve of starting a phase one clinical trial treatment plan that requires a hemoglobin level of nine or more the only answer is a blood transfusion... two units.

The color red is a symbol for life in many cultures... It makes sense.  The red blood gives us the pulse of life, literally.  I listened to the nurse explain the process.  Never before have I needed to rely on the kindness of strangers in such an intimate way.  The blood that pulsed through their vessels in their bodies will now do the same for me by the end of the day.  There are the pre-medications to allow everything to go smoothly.  There are the vital sign checks every fifteen minutes to confirm that all is well.  The nurse is very young but also very knowledgeable and dedicated.  She inspires confidence in me.  There is hope for this world when a twenty-two year old nurse with one year of working experience knows so much and does what must be done in such a humane as well as professional way.  

Thank you!

B"H,  

A Grateful Heart Always

Thank you, everyone, for keeping vigil with me and my written thoughts.  A year has now passed.  A gazillion little notebooks I have filled with my scribble.  What started with great despair has become something else.  What that is, I don't know, but mystery is okay.  Many thanks to my friends who encouraged me to write as a way to prayer and healing.  Many thanks to my husband for making this blog which allows me to share some of my thoughts with people far and wide.  It has been true for me that writing has brought me closer to prayer, blessings, and healing.  

To See the Silence

B"H

The Silence That Speaks

During Shavuos, just before the Torah reading, Sephardi Jews read a marriage contract between G-d and the people.  It really is a marriage contract, a ketubah, and it was written in the sixteenth century by Israel Najara:

On the sixth day of the third month, the Invisible One came forth from Sinai.  The bridegroom, ruler of rulers, prince of princes, said to his beloved (the people) who is beautiful as the moon, as radiant as the sun, as awesome as an army with great banners, "Many days you will be mine and I will be your redeemer.  I will honor, support, and maintain you.  I will be your shelter and refuge in eternal mercy.  I will give you the Torah by which you and your children will live in health and peace and harmony."  

The bridegroom delivered the Torah that is bigger than the earth and broader than the seas.  The bride consented to the covenant and an everlasting agreement was made.  As a dowry, the bride brought a heart that understands, ears that listen, and eyes that see. 

"May the Bridegroom rejoice with the Bride and the bride rejoice with the husband of her youth, while uttering words of praise."  

Into the Lions' Den

B"H, 

Puellam Meam magis quam oculos meos amo*. 

There are those who say that it takes courage to be a cancer patient.  I don't know... I don't think so necessarily.  It does take something.  It takes the same something that life in general demands of us all.  Perhaps the "something-list" of essential attributes would include understanding, cooperation, hard work, fortitude, endurance, partnership, love of life, and FAITH.  I did not choose the challenges of this path.  Do any of us choose to be born?   But it was the path I was travelling.  Something had seemed wrong for quite a while, so, when the diagnosis of cancer arrived I did experience a sense of relief.  Thank G-d, I am not crazy.  I did not, however, feel full of courage.  

Who are the people who are filled with courage?  Those folks who walk into the lions' den knowing their destination and its dangers are certainly courageous.   Don't you think?  

Twin-a-thetics

B"H,

A Short Story?

Mommy, tell the baby to stop talking to me.

Isaac, the baby is asleep.  She is not saying anything.

Mommy, she won't stop talking to me... she's not using her voice... it is like a straight line between two souls.  She won't stop telling me things.  I'm tired and I want to sleep. 

What are you talking about?

Mommy, it is called "twin-a-thetics".  This is how she talks to me all the time. 

Oh.  (I think to myself that I have never heard of anything called "twin-a-thetics".)  Oh, okay, I'll tell the baby that it is time to go to sleep, ... that she should stop talking to you. 

Thank you, Mommy. 

Rach', Rachel, your brother is tired.  He would like to go to sleep.  Would you please wait until the morning to finish telling him all these things?  (What things!!!?  What could she possibly be telling him?  I am whispering into the ear of a sleeping baby. )

Okay, Isaac, the deed is done. 

Thank G-d, Mommy.  She said that she'd finish up in the morning just like you have asked.  Good night. 

(I hear my little boy recite the words of our "Shema" and the house settles into the quiet calm of night.)

A Big Sister

B"H,

Adored for Life

Dear Bailah,

Greetings to you and your husband.  Again, I extend my heartfelt thanks to you both for all the help you are giving Mom and Dad.  I am as grateful to you as I am sorry that being a cancer patient and living out of town have made me unable to help.  Thank you for your understanding and acceptance. 

You know, I believe that we are good sisters even if we are not busom buddies.  In the long run it gives Mom and Dad a broader spectrum of help and assistance than what they would have had were we alike in thought, manner, and deed.  Now, as they are preparing to move near me and my family, I want you to know and remember how much I love you.  You are and will always be my big sister.  I have adored you my entire life and will continue to adore you. 

You were a tough act to follow.  Always smarter, more wise in the world, more aware, more responsible, very hard working, and astonishingly beautiful.  I grew up in your shadow.  All through school I was called by your name just as often if not more so than I was called by my own.  Even the kids in my class wanted my help with you.  They wanted you to know them... they thought you so beautiful.  I was only good enough to be a bridge to you.  But I did not mind because I loved and adored you with all my might which is why it was always painful for me to be unwelcomed in your world. 

And If I Live

B"H,

Then...

There was, there is, and there will always be a wonderful woman named Amy.  Carl Jung says that for the most part the soul exists outside the body.  How could this be?  How could this not be? 

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I worried obsessively over the question, "what if I die?"  Thanks to Amy I now spend much more of my time pondering the greater dilemma, "what if I live? ... then what?"

My beloved friend, Nancy, deserves the credit for shattering my obsession with dying.  When she heard of my diagnosis she called me to tell me of my place in her heartfelt prayers.  She also said that everybody has habits and that my habit was to endure.  She doubted very much if the breast cancer would kill me.  That black cloud of fear left me as I thanked her and we said our good-byes.  That was at the beginning of this new path.

A Friend in Need

B"H,

In Gesture & Deed

The Hand of Comfort

And Guidance

To be alive commands and demands a commitment to action without interference from all of the meshugas (crazinesses and stupidities).  This devotion to action, to the things that MUST be done, without interference from our emotions, moods, and perceptions is possible.  If it were impossible, then the Slonimer rabbi of the late 19th century would never have suggested this advice to my zayde.  BUT, my grandfather's teacher did mention that it is not an easy pursuit.

Dedication

B"H,

To Heal Regrets

Shopping in the winter months is easy when the weather is challenging and most people have decided to stay home. 

I wished my sales-lady a healthy, blessed New Year.  Betsy replied that it was already dreadful. 

"No, no, no!  You're healthy, you have a job, it couldn't possibly be awful just weeks into January.  Every day is a beautiful gift!"  I told her that  I was a cancer patient-survivor. 

And she told me that her best friend  had called her cell phone during the after Christmas rush when everything was on sale.  She was too busy working to take a personal call.  She simply looked to see who called and it made her smile to see her friend's name, Lana.  Things were crazy busy at work.  She was distracted by everything so much so, that she forgot about the call. 

Parashat Yitro of the Past

B"H

A Derashah

January 27, 1940

The Warsaw Ghetto

An inspiring man, Rabbi Kalmish Kalonymus Kalman Shapira, the rebbe of the Warsaw Ghetto, was in hiding. 

"Blessed be the Name.  This Sabbath I was in hiding. 

...Israel's acceptance of the Torah took place in the desert.  This fact may suggest, among other things, a teaching found in the holy book, Bet Aharon, which states, "Don't say that in this place it is possible to serve G-d, but in that place it is impossible for me.  Rather, one must serve G-d in all places." 

A Time of Need

B"H

All Prayers Come to Me

Born of darkness

Blooms of light

Heartfelt passage

Lost at night

In the fear

Released by joy

Held as ballast and trembling

Step by step

The ladder grows tall

Jacob's rungs climb and wrestle slow

Every toe may stub its mark

All the battles struggle

Every moon does wax and wane

Divine sparks do shine and feign

Another world amidst our own

Of faith and grace embracing

It is our own

And G-d said, "All prayers come to Me." 

The Challenge

B"H

2011

A YEAR TO BEHOLD

NOW COME

NOW GONE

And We Lived in Huts

B"H,


Wishing all the security and shelter of a good home filled with warm hearts as we learn the fragility of life by living in huts.  The wind will blow the roof off our sukkah and the rain will soak our table and chairs.  But we, thank G_d are still okay... still preparing for a very good and blessed note in this amazing Book of Life.

Happy 90th Birthday!

B"H


In this moment...a boy began to become a man.

A GOOD MAN 

A KIND MAN


AN HONORABLE MAN


A GREAT SOLDIER, AN AIRMAN

And we cried...

B"H, 

The Mourners' Kaddish

"Yisgadal..."  May His great Name grow exalted and sanctified (AMEN) in the world that He created as He willed.  May He give reign to His kingship in your lifetimes and in your days, and in the lifetimes of the entire Family of Israel and Mankind, swiftly and soon.  Now respond:  AMEN.  

Everyone:  AMEN.  May His great Name be blessed forever and ever.

May His great Name be blessed forever and ever.  

Blessed, praised, glorified, exalted, extolled, mighty, upraised, and lauded be the Name of the Holy One, Blessed is He.  (BLESSED IS HE) beyond any blessing and song, praise and consolation that are uttered in the world.  Now respond:  AMEN.  AMEN.

Theodore Roosevelt

 B''H, Inspiration 23 April 1910

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.